port macquarie doula

I wish I knew then, what I know now. I wish I knew that birth was mine to hold, that motherhood would dismantle my existence, that it would crack me open, swallow me then spit me out raw and vulnerable.

I wish I had known how to piece myself back together again. But most of all, I wish I hadn’t fallen into a deep dark hole of shame, guilt, expectations, and total disassociation.

With a total upheaval of our lives as a family of four and an interstate move, I realised I needed to find out who I was beyond the “shoulds” and the deep conditioning that had ahold of me and my body. I needed to drop away the guilt and shame and I had to take full responsibility and accountability for the past. I needed to be ok with the expansion and multidimensional woman that I was growing into. I needed to lean into my staunchness and figure out what that meant for me as the baby matriarch of my family. I needed to soften all the hard edges.

It took over 4 years to finally feel deserving enough to consciously call in another baby. I felt I was now the woman that this baby needed me to be.  I was strong and powerful and I trusted that if I fell back into that deep dark hole, I would find my way out.

From that very moment of choosing, the unraveling began. I knew I would not be playing into the games of society and its constructs, everything was a choice from a heart-led place. I chose my path and understood how I wanted to step in and out of it, knowing what felt safe to me and my baby, and understood each risk with full accountability – I was the expert in making decisions. Everything was different from my previous two experiences because everything had changed, I was so connected to myself and trusted in my body and my baby. I knew them both deeply and intimately.

There was a sense of knowing that there was just one piece of the puzzle missing that I needed to call in, but I had no words for it,  and soon I connected with a woman in my area who was that missing piece – my Doula. Her unwavering support allowed me to fully embody my own power within and sink into my birth completely. She allowed me the deep space to unravel my last births, talk deeply about my desires and fears, and trusted me to follow my heart.

The birth of my third baby girl was a totally untouched, undisturbed powerful birth within the hospital. It activated me in ways I still can’t put into words. It repaired the relationship with my second child, mended that with my first born, and renewed my love for my husband.

Letting my baby tell the story and fully surrendering to the magic of birth, changed me. It brought forward an unknown strength and showed me how powerful I was, how deserving I was. It was the full-circle experience waiting for me to live out.

I understand deeply that birth is so much more than the birth of a baby, it is the birth of you.